An Update on “ABOUT ME”

A little about me (in survey form)….

First name: Nicole

Middle name: Marie

Named after anyone: I get my middle name from my Auntie Anna. My first name comes from the former soap opera “The Edge of Night” after the character Nicole Drake. The spelling of my nickname “Nikki” comes from the daytime soap opera “The Young and the Restless” after the character Nikki Newman.

Nicknames: Nikki, Nik, Pickle, Noodle, Bunny, Lady, Rainbow Brite

Age: 39

Birth date: August 3, 1977

Birthplace: Chisholm, Minnesota (last baby born in the Chisholm hospital)

Time you were born: Appx 2:40am

Current location: West Bloomington, Minnesota

Height: 5’3”

Eye color: Hazel (sometimes they turn green…no joke)

Contacts/glasses: Glasses

Hair color: Blonde

Natural hair color: Blonde

Dye your hair often: No.

Married, Divorced, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Single? Single, and dating.

Righty or lefty? Righty

Favorite Book: The Last Lecture – Randy Pausch

Favorite Type of music: Alternative

Favorite Band or singer: Butch Walker

Favorite TV show: Orphan Black and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Favorite Movie: Dead Poets Society – Les Miserables (the musical movie) – The King’s Speech – Newsies – Bedknobs and Broomsticks

Favorite Disney Movie: Bedknobs and Broomisticks!!!!!

Favorite TV channel: Investigation Discovery

Favorite Radio station: GO96.3

Favorite Place to be: On a lake

Favorite Thing to do: Be in nature. Cuddle with Princess. Hang out with Chole. Spend time with Framily. Play cornhole – even though I’m not great at it…it’s still fun. Go to the Renaissance Festival. Go see live music. See a play/musical.

Favorite Food: Fried PB&J sandwiches.

Favorite Non alcoholic drink: Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks.

Favorite Alcoholic drink: Sex on the Beach

Favorite Animal: Cat. Big or small. I love cats!

Favorite Holiday: Thanksgiving

Favorite Day of the week: Sunday – it’s just a nice relaxing day.

Favorite Season: Football! Oh wait, you meant like spring or fall seasons…I LOVE Fall!

Favorite Sport: Football. But I like to watch a lot of sports and even play some.

Favorite Place to shop: The Outlet Malls…lol

Favorite Scent: The smell after it rains – everything smells clean. There’s this smell when you are at the lake and you wake up early in the morning…just as the sun is rising…the steam is coming off the lake…I can’t describe it…but you step outside and it hits you…I love that smell.

Favorite Restaurant (fast food or sit down): I don’t really eat out much anymore…hmm…probably Sammy’s Pizza, Snicker’s Pizza or Pizza Lucé.

Favorite Fruit: Strawberries, Blueberries and Raspberries.

Favorite Vegetable: Broccoli, Cauliflower, and Grilled Asparagus.

Favorite Pizza topping: Cheese. lol I like other toppings but cheese is my all-time fave.

Favorite Ice cream flavor: Organic Blueberry from The Bent Spoon in Princeton, NJ (OMG…they have THE BEST ice cream EVER)

Favorite Magazine: Real Simple

Favorite Website (other than Facebook or Pinterest): Buzzfeed

Favorite City: Philladelphia, PA and Duluth, MN

Favorite Color: Orange, Yellow and Pink

Favorite Number: 3

Chocolate or vanilla: Swirl

Pepsi or coke: Coke

Hot or cold: Cold

Black or white: Black

Dog or cat: Cat

French toast or pancakes: French Toast

French fries or onion rings: French Fries

Hamburger or hot dog: Depends on where I am…NYC – Hot Dog (they have THE BEST).

Pepperoni or sausage: Pepperoni

Hug or kiss: Depends on who the person is.

Movies or TV: Movies

Truth or dare: Dare. I’ve done and know too much for truth at this point in my life. lol

Are You Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Bi-Sexual, Transgendered? Straight, but not narrow.

Do You Have a Religion? I don’t follow just one.

Do You Read Magazines? Not unless I’m bored or in the hospital.

Do you like to sing? Usually.

Do You Like to dance? Most of the time.

Do You Talk to yourself? Quite a lot, actually.

Do You Play an instrument? I play piano, but not well.

Do You Go to school? The school of life.

Do You/Did You Go to college? Yes…and I graduated with a 3.89 GPA in Audio Engineering and Music Business.

Do You Have a job? Yes.

Do You Like your job? I like the people I work with and the company I work for. However, I do not feel challenged or that my skills are put to use in my position.

Do You Want to get married? When I find the right person, yes.

Do You Want to have kids? None of my own. If the person I fall for has children, great. And I may change my mind when I meet the man of my dreams…I may decide I want to have children with him. But at this point in my life, I don’t want any of my own children. I’d be happy being step-mom. And momma to my furkid.

Do You Get along with your parents? Yes.

Do You Get along with your siblings? I was close to my brother (he passed in August of 2010) and I miss him every day. I get along with my sister.

Do you think you’re trustworthy? Yes…I wasn’t when I was younger…but I am now.

Think your funny? I used to think I was hilarious…now I have realized I’m only funny to my 7 year old niece.

Ever toilet papered someones house? Yes. In High School.

Gone garbage can tipping? That’s just wrong.

What are your parents names? Olga Zorrianna and Michael Dale

Siblings names: Richard and Adreana

Collect anything? Postcards…I love them. I have people pick me up postcards when they go on trips! I think it’s because I wish I could travel to all the places I have postcards for, but I just can’t afford it. So the postcard is the next best thing.

Ever been in love? Yes.

In love right now? Nope.

Ever had your heartbroken? Yes.

Ever broken the law? Yes.

Been arrested? Nope.

Been out of the country? Yes – Germany, France, Belgium, Switzerland and Lichtenstein.

Would you ever get plastic surgery? Yes, I would like a bubbie lift – preferably from Dr. Terry Dubrow.

Do you like to laugh? Absolutely!!!!!!!

Have you ever caught a fish? Yep…many. I grew up fishing.

What was the last thing you ate? A slice of bacon.

What time do you go to bed? On the weekdays it’s usually around 9:30. Weekends – I try to stay up a little later…because it’s the weekend. But Princess usually starts pestering me around 10pm because she likes to keep a schedule.

Do you like to give or receive? Give

Are you obsessed with anything/anyone? Nope. Not even Jared Leto.

Do you live alone? Nope…I live with Ms. Sarah. My bestie.

Do you own a blender? No, I do not.

Do you like the snow? Love it….as long as I’m not driving in it.

Ever been up a mountain? I HAVE!!! Utah and Europe. I love love love mountains.

Do you like surprises? As long as they are good ones…yes.

Do you believe in ghosts? Yes.

Do You believe in the afterlife? Not necessarily a “life” but I do believe that our spirits move on.

Do You believe in Aliens? I think it would be rather egotistical to think the only sort of intelligent life is in our universe on our planet. But I don’t think they look the way we think they do.

Do You believe in God? Yes.

Do You believe in the devil? I don’t believe there is one all-powerful devil. No. I do believe in evil…I do believe in evil spirits.

Do You Believe in Heaven? I believe in a sort of heaven.

Do You Believe in Hell? I’m not so sure if I believe in the Christian version of hell. I do think there could be a purgatory of some sort…but I don’t think it’s a place you go if you don’t believe in Christ as your Savior.

Do You Believe in Scientology? No. No. No.

Do You Believe in Hinduism? I don’t know enough about it to say yes or no.

Do You believe in Buddhism? Yes.

Do You believe in Christianity? Yes.

Do You believe in Judaism? Parts of it.

Do You Believe in Jesus? Yes.

Are you an Atheist or Agnostic? No.

Do You Believe in Reincarnation? The jury is still out on this one.

Have you been on an airplane before? Yes.

Where were you going? Florida, Europe, Utah, Nevada, Jersey, Colorado

Have you ever partied in another country? In Germany…I went to the bar with my host brother and his friends and we partied.

Have you ever gone on a road-trip with your friends? Heck yes! I love road trips!!!

Ever broken a bone? Nope.

Ever had to stay in the hospital for more than a week? Unfortunately, many times.

Ever had serious surgery? When I had the giant MRSA infection taken out.

Ever went to one of those “adult” stores? lol Yes. Sex World is a fascinating place…especially when you’re a 21 year old virgin! lol

Ever bought clothes at Walmart? I have.

Ever gotten clothes from the Salvation Army or Goodwill? Yes, no shame. I love shopping at Goodwill.

Ever paid more than 100 dollars for a pair of jeans? Never.

Ever been on stage for any reason? Many of them…for all sorts of reasons.

Ever been in a play? Many of them.

Ever been in a choir? Quite a few of them.

Waxed your eyebrows? A few times.

Waxed your legs? No. I barely shave them…no need to, the hair doesn’t really grow on my legs.

So there you have it. Me, in a nutshell. If you wanna know anything else, just ask!

Update

Sorry I haven’t posted in a very long while…things with “Charming” went downhill fast. Turns out he was Charming…just not sincere. Blargh. So I was dealing with the fallout from that. No fun.

I’m doing MUCH better now…I’ve moved on and I’m in a much better place. I’m happier now than I was with him. Weird, but true. I haven’t been cooking lately but that’s going to change this weekend. I’m going to take the stuffed breakfast biscuits and redesign them. I want the cheese to be gooey-er and more egg. So we’ll see how it goes. I will post the remodeled recipe on here as soon as I figure it out and bake them. *crossing fingers it goes well*

Life has been one heckuva rollercoaster. Lost my dear Auntie Anna in March suddenly…and it was a devastating loss for all of us. But on the upside, I was able to go up north and see my niece Chole’s very first dance recital (she’s six). It was so great. I smile just thinking about it. I’m so proud of her.

Well…that’s about it for me. Wish me luck with improving the recipe for the stuffed  breakfast biscuits!

What I Need To Say About Suicide and Mental Illness…

You can help. Please call if you or someone you know is thinking of death by suicide.

In light of the suicide of Robin Williams I wanted to clear some things up about depression and suicide and the thinking behind it. I have heard people utter confusion as to why people who have suicidal thoughts don’t seek out help or reach out to family/friends for support…I have heard the comments about how “selfish” one is when they succeed at or attempting to (or even when they think about)dying by suicide…and how “cowardly” it is. I have heard people say that one who is depressed and not reaching out to loved ones is not thinking of others. I have heard how people don’t understand how one who is so “successful” and “happy” and “rich” and “loved” and the like can be so sad/depressed and die by suicide(or want to). I hope what I’m about to give you light into will help you understand a little bit better…and be a bit more empathetic to what people like me deal with on a daily basis.

I personally deal with the following: social anxiety, mild agoraphobia, chronic severe depression and borderline personality disorder. (Yes, I’ve been diagnosed professionally.)

First of all…we don’t see it as being selfish when we contemplate, attempt or succeed at death by suicide. Yes, we do think about our pain and suffering…but we are also thinking about the people around us. The people who love, look up to, surround, work with, talk to, meet with, and are friends with us. We think about you. We do. I’m being totally honest about that. You’re probably wondering HOW we think about you. Well…we are thinking a bunch of different things.

-We don’t deserve your love.

-We don’t deserve your support.

-We don’t deserve your friendship.

-We don’t deserve your admiration.

-We don’t deserve your companionship.

-We don’t deserve your help.

-You would be better off without us.

-We can’t ask for your help/support because we can’t burden you with our problems.

-We don’t want to weigh you down by our issues.

-Why do you want to even be around us?

-We can’t see what you see in us to like/love/talk to/admire/support/work with/etc us.

-We are ashamed of how we feel because we can’t explain it, or because it’s from a traumatic experience we don’t want to talk about (a PTSD case, for example) or because we know it’s not “acceptable” in the eyes of others (meaning we are considered “successful” as in Robin Williams’ case…so what the hell should we be “sad” about) so we don’t talk to anyone about it which means it just gets worse and worse and worse.

-We feel people won’t “get it so we keep it to ourselves…again perpetuating the cycle of depression.

So don’t feel like it’s a personal attack if someone succeeds at, attempts, or thinks about death by suicide and doesn’t come to you for help before doing so. It isn’t a personal attack. And it’s not them saying, “I’m only thinking about myself!” Yes…partly we just want the pain to effing STOP. But we are also thinking, “I’m tired of being a burden on everyone around me. They would all be better off without me.” It’s actually us trying to be merciful on all of you, just as much as it is being merciful on ourselves.

And to call us cowardly…well…instead of thinking about how we died so soon or tried to die so soon…think about how far we came while we had been in pain for so long. Robin Williams lasted 63 years.  It takes fucking bravery to last that long. Maybe he wasn’t depressed for all 63 years, but I’m sure it felt like it to him. I’ve only been on this earth for 37 years and 11 days. But I can tell you that the depression has been with me for a good 25 of those years. And to me, I feel like I have been fucking brave. And it isn’t cowardice to decide that I’m just done. That I’ve had enough. Am I done? No. I’m not. But I think differently now. I had my time where I thought about it. Where I had thought, “Maybe if I took that curve a little too fast and flew off the road no one would know I did it on purpose.”  But I rethought it. What stopped me? I don’t know. I really don’t. But was I being “cowardly” by thinking that? NO. I was not. Why didn’t I reach out? Read the above points. And when I did reach out…do you know what I heard? I heard, “Do you know what I went through to have you?” … “Do you know what it would do to me to lose you?” … “You have a good life…why are you so depressed?” … “Don’t be so dramatic.” … “You’re just looking for attention.”

Do you know what I needed to hear?

“How can I help you?”

“What can I do to support you?”

“What do you need from me?”

“Should I take you somewhere?”

“Maybe we should call a doctor?”

“It sucks you’re hurting. This couldn’t have been easy to share.”

“I’m here whenever you need to talk. Or even not talk. We can just sit and not talk. Whenever you don’t want to talk, just let me know.”

And if you don’t know what to say…don’t say anything. Just listen.

Do whatever you can to NOT say you’re sorry…because we don’t want you to be “sorry”…don’t be sorry. Say something like, “I wish I could make it better,” or something like it. But not “I’m sorry.” Because then we feel like we’ve made you feel bad…like we’ve done something wrong…I know it sounds twisted…but I’m serious…that’s how most of us think.

And most of all…DON’T make it about you. THAT is what makes people shut down…TO EVERYONE. When someone trusts you enough to come to you the LAST thing you should do is make it about you.

And DON’T invalidate them. Don’t tell them how dramatic they are being or how wrong they are how they are just looking for attention (ugh…especially that)…you have NO IDEA how they are feeling. If you don’t have empathy…fake it. FAKE IT. Because you have no idea what that person is really feeling. If they come to you…and you shut them down…more than likely they won’t open up to anyone else for fear of it happening again. (Take it from personal experience…it took me YEARS to open up to anyone again…thank GOD the next time I received the second set of responses, and got help.)

People don’t understand depression, anxiety, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, or any other mental illness out there. But just because one doesn’t understand it doesn’t mean it allows one to be judgmental.

Also, YOUR experience with a mental illness doesn’t allow you to judge another’s experience with it. I have seen and heard countless times people all around me say, “Well, I can work/play/love/got to school/etc even though I have depression/bipolar/anxiety/etc so why can’t they?” Shut up. Just shut up. Shut your big, fat, judgmental mouth. Your experience is NOT the be-all end-all of experiences. Would you want someone invalidating you? No. So, shut your pie-hole. Thank you.

I get that mental illness is confusing as fuck. I totally get that. It’s confusing to those who have it, so trust us when we say we get that it’s confusing as fuck to people who don’t! So if we come to you and you don’t know what the fuck to do…don’t worry…we don’t expect you to have the answers!! We just need support. We aren’t looking for you to give us the answers and tell us how to fix ourselves…in fact…when someone who ISN’T a doctor tells me how to “fix” myself…it pisses me off (sorry…but it does…and speaking to other framily of mine who have the same issues I do…it pisses them off too). We just want support. We just want you to be there for us. To sing our song back to us…to be there for us…to remind us who we are…that we are loved…that we are special…that we have talents…that we have good things…that things are just “for now” and despite how we are feeling it WILL get better…that although you can’t even imagine how dark it might be for us right now that you’ll walk with us through the darkness. I know people speak of “tough love” for people who have mental illness…that isn’t helpful. Telling someone who has severe depression to “get over it” or “suck it up” or something similar is NOT helpful. It often has the opposite effect. We tend to feel even worse…because then we get down on ourselves thinking, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get it together?”

So now you’re thinking, “So what the hell can I do to help? What is there to do when someone is contemplating the worst?!”

BE SUPPORTIVE.

BE AWARE.

BE LOVING.

BE KIND.

BE NON-JUDGMENTAL.

BE ACTION ORIENTED.

STAND WITH US.

What do I mean?

Be supportive – when we come to you…listen. Listen hard to what we are saying to you. And really HEAR what we are saying. Don’t make it about you. And don’t try to fix us. Just support us by listening and being there.

Be aware – like I said…listen and HEAR what we are saying. Watch what we are doing. Are we saying things that are inferring self harm? Are we speaking about self harm? Are we talking about life in a past tense? Are we speaking about a future that doesn’t include us? Are we saying our goodbyes? Most people who are contemplating death by suicide tell someone…they infer it or they actually speak it clearly. HEAR US.

Be loving – hold our hand. Hug us. Cry with us. Tell us you love us no matter what. Just love us. Tell us and show us your love.

Be kind – when you know that someone is in a dark place…don’t be hard on them. Kind of goes with being loving…just be kind to them.

Be non-judgmental – now is not the time to place judgments on someone. They don’t need that. It will only make things worse. Keep your judgments to yourself. And don’t speak your judgments to others…because believe it or not…they WILL get back to us (I have seen this firsthand in my own family).

Be action oriented – if you even have one inkling that someone is going to harm themselves or they’ve told you they are going to harm themselves…contact the authorities or if you have their doctor’s number contact them IMMEDIATELY. If you can take them to the hospital yourself…DO SO IMMEDIATELY. BE ACTION ORIENTED! You can save their life. Don’t sit on the phone and try to talk them out of it…or try and scare them out of it or tell them how mad you’ll be at them if they do it or guilt them out of it (see: not making it about you). Keep them on the phone as you get over to their place and do whatever you can to get into that home. If you can’t get in…do your best to stay on the phone as you contact someone who can get in. And when I say “get in” I mean IN THEIR LINE OF SIGHT. You need to be in the same room…the same room…their line of sight. Not on the other side of the door…because TRUST ME…if they can’t see you…they will still do it. Doesn’t matter…they will still do it. They will easily walk into the bathroom, take the pills, and walk back out like nothing happened. If they are in your line of sight…if they are sitting next to you and you are right there with them…it’s MUCH harder. They want to do this in private…because they DON’T want to take anyone with them (usually).  And the longer you keep them talking, the better. Keep reminding them how wonderful they are…how the 30 year old them or the 60 year old them wants to meet them and tell them how much they are thankful they didn’t do it because they have SO much to tell them. Talk to them about their future self…a happy future self…I know it sounds crazy…but it has been shown to work. Whatever you do…get someone of authority to them as quickly as possible: Police/EMT…these people are TRAINED at this. Even if they say, “I was just kidding,” when you say you’re calling someone…people will say that because they don’t want to be stopped or they are embarrassed and are afraid of what comes next. Even if they were “just kidding” it’s always, always, ALWAYS to better to be safe rather than sorry. Right? Right. So BE ACTION ORIENTED!

In an Emergency, Contact:

• —Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
• —Psychiatric hospital walk-in clinic
• —Hospital emergency room
• —Urgent care center/clinic
• —Call 911

Stand with us –not against us. Don’t tell us what we’re doing wrong…or how bad we are…or how we have such a great life and how dare we be sad or depressed or whatever. Just stand WITH us.

Some people have asked me how I’ve done it…what has stopped me from taking it as far as some have. Honestly? This is going to hurt some people…but I’m going to tell you: Princess. Yes, I’m being totally honest here. My cat has stopped me. There were days that SHE was the ONLY reason I was able to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. Not because I didn’t feel loved, or love the people around me. That isn’t it at all. Don’t make it about you, please. Here was my thinking…and some days still is…she can’t understand it. She can’t have someone sit her down and say, “She was sad. And her sadness was all encompassing. She loved you. She did, and she knew you loved her. And it wasn’t that your love wasn’t enough. It was that she just loved you too much and didn’t want to be in pain anymore and be a burden to you or anyone else. She didn’t want to keep bring everyone else around her down. So she felt there was no other way.” I felt like how could I leave her all alone? How could I leave her behind when I’m the only being she’s ever trusted and loved wholly and completely? How could I betray her like that? How could I abandon her? She loves and trusts Auntie Sarah, yes…but she still lies on our bed all by herself when I’m gone for the weekend and “sings the song of her people” because she misses me. She longs for her “momma” when I’m only gone a day. How could I leave her forever? I can’t. I won’t. I will never leave her like that. Ever. I cannot and will not betray her trust and her love. Not on purpose. And although some people may find that absurd…my therapist has told me, “Whatever you can hold onto…you hold onto. You hold onto that as tight as you can. Even if you have to white-knuckle it…you do that. If she’s your reason…that’s okay with me. And I can tell you this…that’s going to be okay with every single person that loves you and wants you to find a reason to fight.” And yes, I’ve found other reasons since then…other things and people I don’t want to leave behind: the 40 year old me…the 50 year old me…the 60 year old me…my framily…etc. Are there days when I still feel an all encompassing sadness? YES. Do I still have days when I feel like a burden? God, yes. Oh my God, yes. Did I say yes? Because YES. YES. YES. Do I still have days when I don’t want to get out of bed? Yes. Are there still times when I think that the darkness will never go away? Yes. Are there times when I miss cutting myself? Yep. Are there days when I want to binge and purge (despite knowing Sarah will hang me by my toenails if I do)? Yeppers. Are there days when I just want to drink my sorrows away? Uh huh. I don’t know what keeps me from falling deeper into the void…I really don’t. I wish I had the answer. I really do. I wish I had it so I could pass it along to you and every single person that struggles with this darkness. I guess I just keep thinking how I want to meet the older me…how I want to high five her…how I want to give her the chance to tell me all that we’ve accomplished and experienced…even if it’s super small stuff. I think about Princess…and how I just can’t leave her behind. I can’t abandon her…because like I stated before…she won’t understand. And that would make me feel even worse…I don’t think I could “rest in peace” knowing she would be so heartbroken.

But just keep in mind…no one has the right answers for everyone. What works for me, probably won’t work for you or the person next to you. No one has the right answer for everyone…but there is someone out there who might just have the answer for you or that person next to you…you just have to reach out or help the person next to you reach out. But if the worst happens…don’t judge. Don’t sit in judgment and call them “selfish” or “cowardly”. Be kind. Hurt. Absolutely, be hurt. Be sad. And you can be angry. But don’t judge them. And don’t ask why they didn’t reach out to you…because it had nothing to do with you. It was their illness. Not yours. THEIRS. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame their partner/parents/friends/coworkers/bosses/etc. Blame the disease.

To look for the warning signs: here is a list of what those signs are and the risk factors of someone being suicidal (please read this listing even if you think you know all the signs and risk factors…you might learn something new and save someone’s life): http://www.afsp.org/preventing-suicide/risk-factors-and-warning-signs

For more information about suicide and suicide prevention (whether you are struggling yourself or know someone who is, or just want to know more in general) you can go to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s website: http://www.afsp.org/

They have a lot of great information to help everyone. They also have information on how to get involved in advocacy and raising awareness. This is a fantastic website for everyone.

Oh and one more thing…if I hear one more person talk to me about how “faith” would have saved Robin…or any other person who died by suicide I am going to start throwing punches. Robin was Episcopalian. Many people who die by suicide are not faithless. Many believe in God or another sort of “higher power”. It isn’t that they have no faith. It isn’t that they don’t believe…so keep that out of this conversation. Please. Please. Please. Don’t accuse someone of losing their faith in God/Christ/Buddha/The Goddess/Allah/etc because their mental illness becomes all encompassing. And also…nowhere in the Bible does it say that those who die by suicide will go to hell…so keep that out of this as well. It only says you are a fool – “Do not be a fool–why die before your time?”  Ecclesiastes 7:17 So, again…not true.

NOTHING can severe your soul from going to heaven – “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

“And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation.” Romans 5:9

It also isn’t about not loving someone enough. It isn’t that they didn’t love their kids/family/partners/etc enough. It isn’t about loving or feeling loved. I KNOW I’m loved and I love very much…but I still feel darkness and alone at times. I can be in a room full of people I know love me soooo much and that I love very, very much…but I still feel incredibly sad, and alone. It’s a disease. Again, don’t make it about you. It’s a disease. A chemical imbalance in my brain. Love has NOTHING to do with it. NOTHING.

I hope this gave you some (even if it was very little) insight into depression and mental illness. My mental illness and my experiences with it are not the same as everyone else’s. However, I have spent a lot of time in group therapy and speaking with many other’s about their experience with their illnesses…so this is where a lot of this is coming from. Feel free to contact me if you have questions.

DON’T TAKE ANY OF THIS PERSONALLY. Good Lord…this is not meant to point fingers or make anyone feel bad. If you have issues with what was said here…keep it to yourself. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t. And no, I’m not sorry. If you recognize certain things that I mentioned as something you may have said to me and feel you need to “explain yourself”… don’t. I don’t want to hear it. Just change your way of speaking and thinking. Also, some of the things were said before people knew what to say or what to think. Some of the things said were almost 20 years ago…when people knew VERY little about depression and mental illness. So again…DON’T TAKE ANY OF THIS PERSONALLY. This isn’t about YOU.

Thanks for reading.

And for my framily out there: THANK YOU FOR LOVING AND SUPPORTING ME. For being aware…for talking me into getting help…for being action oriented when it mattered…for taking care of me…for holding me up…for singing my song to me when I forgot the words…for reminding me that I need to meet 40 year old me…for holding my hand…for hugging me…for not judging me…and for figuratively kicking the asses of those that have…for standing with me…for letting me crawl into myself when I need to…but coaxing me out when you realize I’ve been in there a little too long. Most of all…for not leaving my side…no matter how long I go away…when I come back the ones who TRULY love me and accept me are still there. Thank you for that. You have no idea what that means to me. NO IDEA.

Much love and God Bless.

Name(required)

Email(required)

Website

Comment(required)

Submit

Δ

O Captain, My Captain

O Captain, My Captain. Who knows where that comes from? Anybody? Not a clue? It’s from a poem by Walt Whitman about Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Now in this class you can either call me Mr. Keating, or if you’re slightly more daring, O Captain, My Captain.

As I stood on my desk, I looked around…I noticed I was completely alone. I looked up and started to cry. I thought about him: Robin Williams. I thought about his life and what it meant to me, and to so many others around me. I remembered the first time I saw him…as a quirky alien named Mork who made me laugh. So often I thought of him as a comedian, and forgot about all the other things he was to not only me but to so many others around the world.

A few months ago I sat in the living room with my best friend of nearly 15 years and watched a movie that changed my way of thinking so many years ago: Dead Poets Society. That movie not only changed my way of thinking, but as I look back now I realize it changed my life. It brought me down a new and more exciting and challenging path. A path of words and ideas. A path that lead me to LOVE something most kids my age found “foreign” at the time: poetry and literature. His performance and passion lead me to sincerely believe what he said…”no matter what ANYBODY tells you…words and ideas CAN change the world.” I still believe that today. And I truly believe he believed that as well.

So, as I thought about him…I cried. I sobbed. And then I called out to him:

I looked at the doorway…half expecting him to be standing there with a smile and a nod before he walked out for good. In my mind, he was there. He smiled. He nodded. And in my heart I heard him say,

“The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play GOES ON and YOU may contribute a verse. What will your verse be, Nikki Powers? What will your verse be??“

Name(required)

Email(required)

Website

Comment(required)

Submit

Δ

February Musings

 

This is my snazzy new car! It’s a 2013 Hyundai Accent…brand spanking new. Only had 19 miles on it when I bought it. I love it. It has heated seats, remote start, XM Satellite Radio and it’s cute! lol So why the new car? Well…I crashed my other car. Yep…it was totaled. Someone t-boned me. I was so bummed…I loved my Jetta. But alas, everything happens for a reason…and thanks to Sarah I was able to get this gem! 

So how is everything else going? Pretty well. The job is great. Seriously…it’s great. I actually like coming to work. My boss is a different sort of fellow (sings random songs about pretty much everything, dances around, jokes with people…and picks on me as much as I pick on him). It’s fun to come to work. And I like that. No drama!!! YAY!! 

My health is getting better…my coughing is much better thanks to the folks at Fairview. 

Still single. Which is fine. I’m not even dating. I kind of like being single. It’s just easier to deal with life when you’re single. I have my family and friends for support so I’m good. When it’s the right time…I’ll start dating again. 

This winter has been harsh. We’ve had 20 more inches of snow than we average by this time each year. So it’s been crazy. And it’s been sub-zero temps constantly. Not fun. So the snow does not melt between snow falls…so the snow piles just keep getting bigger and bigger. BLAH! I’m soooooo ready for Spring. But then again, isn’t everyone?? 🙂 

Well…back to work I go. 

Much love and God Bless!

Who I Am

Hey y’all…so here it is. A blog. Mostly this will be about what I cook and some random musings as the days and months go by.

A little about me (in survey form):

First name: Nicole

Middle name: Marie

Named after anyone: I get my middle name from my Auntie Anna. My first name comes from the former soap opera “The Edge of Night” after the character Nicole Drake. The spelling of my nickname “Nikki” comes from the daytime soap opera “The Young and the Restless” after the character Nikki Newman.

Nicknames: Nikki, Nik, Pickle, Noodle, Bunny

Age: 36

Birth date: August 3, 1977

Birthplace: Chisholm, Minnesota

Time you were born: Appx 2:40am

Current location: Bloomington, Minnesota

Height: 5’3”

Eye color: Hazel (sometimes they turn green…no joke)

Contacts/glasses: Glasses

Hair color: Blonde

Natural hair color: Blonde

Dye your hair often: Maybe three times a year.

Married, Divorced, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Single? Single, but not unhappy about it.

Righty or lefty? Righty

Favorite Book: Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner (it’s not a dirty book…I promise…it’s a very good book though)

Favorite Type of music: Showtunes

Favorite Band or singer: Butch Walker, Aaron Tveit

Favorite TV show: Doctor Who (the new series)

Favorite Movie: Dead Poets Society – Les Miserables (the musical movie) – The King’s Speech – Newsies

Favorite Disney Movie: Bedknobs and Broomisticks!!!!!

Favorite TV channel: CBS and Investigation Discovery

Favorite Radio station: Cities 97

Favorite Place to be: On a lake

Favorite Thing to do: Sing/Act

Favorite Food: I’m a fat girl…not all that picky, folks. 🙂 Pizza is good…lol and Bacon.

Favorite Non alcoholic drink: Chocolate Milk or Tazo Chai Tea Lattes

Favorite Alcoholic drink: Sex on the Beach

Favorite Animal: Cat. Big or small. I love cats!

Favorite Holiday: Thanksgiving

Favorite Day of the week: Sunday – it’s just a nice relaxing day.

Favorite Season: Football! Oh wait, you meant like spring or fall seasons…I LOVE Fall!

Favorite Sport: The Winter Olympic Sports…love almost all of them!

Favorite Place to shop: Super Target. I know, I know…but seriously…they have just about everything!

Favorite Scent: The smell right after a good rain…it smells clean.

Favorite Restaurant (fast food or sit down): Panera Bread – soooooooo good.

Favorite Fruit: Bananas, Strawberries, and Grapes

Favorite Vegetable: Green Beans and grilled asparagus.

Favorite Pizza topping: The Papa John’s Double Cheeseburger Pizza (they don’t have it anymore but holy crap it was good)

Favorite Ice cream flavor: Organic Blueberry from The Bent Spoon in Princeton, NJ (OMG…they have THE BEST ice cream EVER)

Favorite Magazine: Real Simple

Favorite Website (other than Facebook or Pinterest): Buzzfeed

Favorite City: Philladelphia, PA – love the history there.

Favorite Color: Orange, Yellow and Green

Favorite Number: 3

Chocolate or vanilla: Swirl

Pepsi or coke: Coke

Hot or cold: Cold

Black or white: Black

Dog or cat: Cat

French toast or pancakes: French Toast

French fries or onion rings: French Fries

Hamburger or hot dog: Depends on where I am….

Pepperoni or sausage: Pepperoni

Hug or kiss: Depends on who the person is

Movies or TV: Movies

Truth or dare: Truth

Are You Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Bi-Sexual, Transgendered? Straight…but I’m all for equal rights, my friends.

Do You Have a Religion? Yes, I’m Christian. I was baptized Ukrainian Catholic, but when I go to church I go to ELCA Churches…they are GLBT friendly and that’s important to me as an ally. And they don’t make me feel guilty for everything I do!

Do You Read Magazines? Not really

Do you like to sing? Yes!

Do You Like to dance? Sometimes.

Do You Talk to yourself? Yes…more than I should.

Do You Play an instrument? I wish I did…I used to play flute in Jr High

Do You Go to school? Nope.

Do You/Did You Go to college? Yes…and I graduated with a 3.89 GPA

Do You Have a job? Yes.

Do You Like your job? No…I’m currently on the hunt for a new one. I hope I find a new one soon.

Do You Want to get married? I go back and forth on this…I’m sure I will when I meet the right person.

Do You Want to have kids? No. Just not my thing. If I meet someone with kids, fine. But I don’t want any of my own. I enjoy having my furkid.

Do You Get along with your parents? Yes.

Do You Get along with your siblings? I was close to my brother (he passed in August of 2010) and I miss him every day. I get along with my sister.

Do you think you’re trustworthy? Yes…I wasn’t when I was younger…but I am now.

Think your funny? I know I’m funny.

Ever toilet papered someones house? Yes. In High School.

Gone garbage can tipping? No…that’s gross.

What are your parents names? Olga Zorrianna and Michael Dale

Siblings names: Richard and Adreana

Collect anything? Postcards…I love them. I have people pick me up postcards when they go on trips! I think it’s because I wish I could travel to all the places I have postcards for, but I just can’t afford it. So the postcard is the next best thing.

Ever been in love? Yes.

In love right now? Nope.

Ever had your heartbroken? Yes.

Ever broken the law? Yes.

Been arrested? Nope.

Been out of the country? Yes – Germany, France, Belgium, Switzerland and Lichtenstein.

Would you ever get plastic surgery? Yes, I would like a bubbie lift – preferably from Dr. Terry Dubrow.

Do you like to laugh? Absolutely!!!!!!!

Have you ever caught a fish? Yep…many. I grew up fishing.

What was the last thing you ate? Scrambled eggs with diced ham and cheddar cheese. (I made breakfast this morning for Sarah and I)

What time do you go to bed? Between 9 – 10pm on the weekdays. On the weekends it varies.

Do you like to give or receive? Give

Are you obsessed with anything/anyone? Doctor Who, Jared Leto, Chris Hardwick, and Les Miserables

Do you live alone? Nope, I live with my amazing best friend. Seriously…she is amazing!

Do you own a blender? I gave it away…I never used it.

Do you like the snow? Love it….as long as I’m not driving in it.

Ever been up a mountain? I HAVE!!! Utah and Europe

Do you like surprises? Only good ones.

Do you believe in ghosts? Yes.

Do You believe in the afterlife? Yes.

Do You believe in Aliens? I think it would be rather egotistical to think the only sort of intelligent life is in our universe on our planet. But I don’t think they look the way we think they do.

Do You believe in God? Absolutely!

Do You believe in the devil? Yes.

Do You Believe in Heaven? Yep!

Do You Believe in Hell? Yes.

Do You Believe in Scientology? No. But to each their own.

Do You Believe in Hinduism? I think it’s an interesting religion, but it’s not for me. I’ve studied it.

Do You believe in Buddhism? Again, interesting religion, but not for me.

Do You believe in Christianity? Yes.

Do You believe in Judaism? I think it’s a beautiful religion, but it’s not for me.

Do You Believe in Jesus? Yes.

Are you an Atheist or Agnostic? No.

Do You Believe in Reincarnation? Sometimes I think it’s possible…the jury is still out on this one.

Have you been on an airplane before? Yep. Several times.

Where were you going? Florida, Europe, Utah, Jersey

Have you ever partied in another country? In Germany…I went to the bar with my host brother and his friends and we partied.

Have you ever gone on a road-trip with your friends? Yes. Many times.

Ever broken a bone? Nope.

Ever had to stay in the hospital for more than a week? Yep…A LOT.

Ever had serious surgery? No just small ones

Ever went to one of those “adult” stores? Yes…Sex World is interesting.

Ever bought clothes at Walmart? Yes.

Ever gotten clothes from the Salvation Army or Goodwill? Yep…I shop at the Goodwill often.

Ever paid more than 100 dollars for a pair of jeans? GOD NO!

Ever been on stage for any reason? Yep…many stages for many reasons.

Ever been in a play? Quite a few!

Ever been in a choir? Yeppers

Waxed your eyebrows? Yep.

Waxed your legs? No. I barely shave them…no need to, the hair doesn’t really grow on my legs.

So there you have it. Me, in a nutshell. 🙂 If you wanna know anything else, just ask!